To Norman

Dear Norman….

I have been cracking my head as to why you appeared again, after 6 or 7 years. My daughter is now 10. Wow, time has been so quick.

What you have said last Feb gave me hope…. and pain. I heard what I wanted to hear. Telling me about your wife, mentioning about how and what to tell your children has sent me to question myself of what you are trying to tell me, “I can decide for myself” you said and has kept me thinking if you want me back in your life.

Do you still remember, 2008 or 2009, that was after Bagyong Ondoy. You told me to give you time to straighten things out, and I said I wanted to make everything legal. I said it on purpose, because I know you cannot do it.  You said “maraming masasaktan”, pero yung gusto mo na maging tayo ulet at hindi ipaalam was a selfish idea. Sarili mo lang inisip mo, di mo naisip na meron din akong anak, at mas lalong marami ang masasaktan. Anyway, if ever I did agree to it, will things be different now? I don’t think so, kase mas malakas ang guilt ko kesa sa selfishness ko. Selfish din naman ako, oo pero sa paraang wala akong aapakan..

The first thing I felt when I learned I was pregnant, was fear. Fear na hindi mo matangap, dahil ang dami mong hindi tangap sa akin. You may not said anything, but your actions speaks for it, the way you sigh….  That was the reason na ayokong malaman mo, because I was afraid being rejected. I was relieved when I saw you that day, iba pa rin pala ang may kakampi…. The same with what I feel last Feb, after ng takot ko, is yong saya na may kakampi na ako.

When you asked me to give you time, even if I did, it will never work because, you have already made your vows, to love, to cherish, in sickness, in health, poorer or richer till death. You maybe young then, but you are no longer young now. You must know by now your priorities in life. I came along your life and I was used to test you, your love to your wife and your family, and you let it shaken.

What I did lately was with purpose. Yes I needed the money that time, for Eeya. And while I was waiting for you to keep your word, I was testing you, of how true you are with your words. Then and now was no different, that’s how you made me believe it. I don’t matter to you, my daughter does not matter to you, that hurts because but your action speaks the truth.

In all truth, na miss kita. Na miss kong awayin mo ako, namiss kong mang-away, namiss ko yung presence mo. Pero it was not enough for anything further. That was the same reason I asked you kung sino binabalikan mo. I was hoping I was included, kahit nag-eexpect na ako na si Eeya lang. So after mo na idenitfy, I was ok with it. I conditioned myself that there is nothing more between and about us.

It’s April…. just before this month ends, will be your anniversary, I am sure you know what I mean.

Time is of essence now. She is healing her pain and herself so she can love again. I believe she still love you, the very reason she is hurting.

You have daughters and a wife, what more are you looking for? Dahil napilitan ka lang magpakasal noon at nagrerebelde ka pa rin hangang ngayon? Well, you did it, weather you love your wife or not during that time that was the consequence of your own doing. Kung sinadya ng wife mo ang nangyari, sa tagal ng panahon di mo pa napatawad ang sarili mo sa pagkahulog sa bitag nya? You let yourself trapped on her lair, still, you are responsible for whatever the consequence, because you did it.

The same goes until today, the more people get hurt especially because everyone has grown up.  I believe that your wife has done her best to keep your relationship afloat and working. But it can never be done alone. It must be a partnership and a battle backed with strong faith that both of you can make the relationship work. If you do not believe your relationship will work, and if you do not entrust your relationship to God, it will eventually crumble on the ground.

I also believe that the husband is the reflection of the wife, having said that she blocked you from social media, did you ever question yourself “where did I go wrong? Have I loved her enough, respected her enough?” Because if you did, I don’t think she will do what she has to do to protect herself from getting more pain.

No amount of apology could save your wife from the pain, then, now I don’t know until when. I too have a share of it. But you know what? You are a coward, letting your wife deal with me? having her said what she has said and later on you contacted me when the storm has passed. Has anyone told you you are a lousy coward? Well you are. But you have all the chance to prove yourself. Start now.

Meditate and wholeheartedly ask yourself, “kaya ko bang totally mawala ang asawa ko sa buhay ko? And Asawa ko na walang inisip kundi kapakanan ng pamilya ko?” You decide. At kung kaya mong mabuhay without her, sana wala kang pagsisihan sa huli, at sana isipin mo ng maraming beses bago mo tuluyang gawin ang gusto mo.

What you do with your life? Is none of my business, but make sure you don’t come back messing up mine. Hindi mo ba naiintindihan na nakakasakit ka? Don’t you ever care how people around you feel? Hindi naman ako bato, para di makaramdam ng kahit na ano.

I LOVED YOU. Is this what you wanted to hear? Yes, I have Loved you. Noong panahong ginawa mo akong tanga, not knowing you were married. I did Loved you noong nagpapakatanga na ako, and I still care but we all know it will never be the same.

I loved you and I hope that knowing this will help you realize what you really wanted in your life. Maraming nagmamahal sa yo, at pwede kang mahalin ulet, if you let the people around you do. Don’t make it hard for people to love you. Make sacrifices too. I know you did your share, but maybe it was not enough.

You already have the person for you, what you needed to do is straighten everything. People who separated for the longest time can still get back together. Pray fervently and ask for wisdom. Wait for her to heal whatever the pain and struggles she is facing right now. When God works, no one will be able to resist it, that is, if you want to keep your family and if you want God to work in your relationship, kung gusto mong mabuo kayo, surrender everything.  Kung gusto mo, gagawan mo ng paraan.

Don’t give more pain and heartaches to your daughters. A father is very important in their lives. You are their rock, you are someone they will depend on. They know you are not perfect but you will always be their father.

I said all these because I LOVED YOU, and I wanted you to be happy, to find your happiness. My  harsh words towards you was because I was disappointed.

I wanted to end our story, and this is the best I know. You. Me. There was once us, but it was not meant to stay that way. Our daughter, your daughters, will grow fine. People say that the father’s deed will come back to his daughters, I don’t believe in that because only God knows what their path and where it could lead to.

I will not say goodbye, cause our path may cross again. But I hope when that day comes, I will see a happy, contented and changed NORMAN.

Love Ja…..

As I was told

:-*

Then again..
I have been living life the way I used to..
The way how I want to,
The way I know for quite sometime;
Thinking about how people are, back home,
Thinking of how and what the kids are doing,
Thinking about what pattern would best fit my new trainees,
Thinking about traveling to and fro and anywhere,
Thinking of how life would be if I get the chance back abroad,
Thinking about the people I left at Doha,
Thinking about what I should do first when I get back to Davao,
Thinking about the books I would read next after finishing what I am currently reading,
Thinking about how boring life could be at home,
Thinking about learning to compose documents at the office,
Thinking about not having money and when to have some,
Thinking ahead about what the job I applied has in store for me,
No complications, no extra complications and no further complications.

Then I was asked if I am happy with my life today,
I pondered and made me think and think every now and then if I am.
I realized I am happy with my life.

But happy without excitement, excitement that other people could give.
Those thoughts that would make you smile without forcing an effort into it,
Ah! the feeling that could make you more alive!

But hesitations, decisions, and worries are stopping,
And I choose to end it.
And regretted it.

A friend told me, that I should have given myself a chance to be happy,
To feel the excitement and live with it,
I should have let myself enjoy the feeling of getting attention, love, care and respect,
I should have given him a chance,
A chance to know him better.

But LATE, is late.
I felt the loss when he stopped showing that he care,
When I felt the distance he is drawing between us,
And thinking about it, it was all my fault,
AFTERALL, I did not listen to him, only to myself,
I heard his reasons, but never what he meant,

Now I have to live with it.
Hoping that whatever I am doing now would end soon,
I would be able to go away,
Away and forget my regrets, what if’s, and what could have been.

Chances don’t come everyday,
Chances to meet, befriend, and eventually love,
Love and just love.
Love and let love.
Love and be loved.

I crossed the bridge.

The reality of how you feel about yourself is only known to you, unless you go, blow your trumpet and give yourself away.
I always say this famous liner “cross the bridge when you get there”, but I too is a victim of my own worries and fears.
My confidence was tested and base on my standard, barely passed, but I felt relieve that I was able to make it successfully but not efficiently.
My uncle has on wheel chair for more than three months now. His right leg just below the knee was amputated due to diabetes.
I could see my cousin taking care of him, giving him bath, dressing his wound, settling him down on the commode whenever he needed to poop and on bed.
We would call him whenever he rings his table bell, or the bell we attached to his wheelchair.
I can see how heavy he is whenever he will be wheeled on the ramp to his bedroom.
I would always ask myself, while looking at them, “will I be able to bring him to his bedroom when the need arise?” I mean when there is nobody at home but us?
Come the moment of my fears. After dinner, my uncle was watching the regular news when he rang his bell, I asked him if he wants to go to bed, and he said yes. I went to my cousins room to give him a heads up but he was not there. By the way, I have two male cousins at home, the youngest who was the one giving him primary care and the other one as back up, both of them was not at home during that time.
Using my delaying tactics, I went to the kitchen and do nothing, when I went back to the living room, I smiled and said we would have snacks instead, however, his declaration is firm, he wants to go to bed.
I scratched my head, and smiled, shouting in my head “What to do!?”
So we planned what to do, he said he would wheel and I push him up. The wheelchair didn’t budge. He smiled with resignation and said “Nothing”
Then I tilted the wheelchair and tried to push, it moved.
I pushed him through his back on my hips and push with all my might until we passed through the small crevice that the front wheel gets always stuck. “Success!” we declared happily. Wheeling to his room, I have another dilemma, how to put him on bed.
At the foot of the bed, we planned what to do. He was saying out loud what we needed to do while helping himself ready. He placed his left foot on the floor, I positioned my right foot, bending a little, wrap my arms around him while he held me by my neck and voile! we did it! I was worried later if I hurt his injured leg, but he said he is fine. We were all smiles and I felt victorious too.
I set his mosquito net and tuck him to bed. He said out loud his thank you and I just smiled, misty eyed.
Within me, I was shouting with great joy, I made it! Not only I was able help my uncle but prove that my fears are baseless, indeed it was baseless. How could I think of the difficulty without trying it first.
I remembered my previous boss again. Whenever I thought I have proven something to myself, he would be the first person that would come to mind. He was the one who believed in me, pushed me hard and brought me out from my so secured secluded self of insecurities.

Time..

Time – a. An appointed or fated moment, especially of death or giving birth; b. A number, as of years, days, or minutes, representing such an interval; c. A system by which such intervals are measured or such numbers are reckoned; d. A suitable or opportune moment or season; e. the duration of human existence; f. a customary or full period of work; g.A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future; h. One’s lifetime.

All these are but few that describes time. In all given occasion and situation we relate time, the length, the amount, the extent, the value of how we consume it.

In our existence, time begins when we were conceived. As we begun to imprint our own life in a space intended for us to fill, to live, time started ticking and ends when we die. It gives us the measurement of how long we have been around, from conception to death, existing and co-existing. Emerging from quicksand of life or wallowed from emotional sickness. Time allows us to experience everything that is going on around us, weather affecting us directly or indirectly. Time gives us the chance to grab opportunities in our career or pick-up the pieces when we fail, challenges and success in our relationships, and struggles and victories in life in general. We spend time however we wish to: sleeping, eating, chatting with friends, working, walking, we even spend time for nothing – no goal or outcome by spending it through wishful thinking far left out from the reality, from today, from making you into someone, from getting you to somewhere.

Time is in our hands, but at times, we let it slip away, intentionally or sometimes because we are too focused into something time has slipped without knowing it, and learn when it is too late. To quote, time is a non-spatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future. No one can reverse what has happened. Time goes on and on no matter what we do, how we keep all our might to keep it still. It doesn’t wait for us to make up our mind, agree or disagree. It will definitely leave us behind if we hold on to things in the past. Or it could be on our side if we choose to travel alongside, on it’s pace. But no one can keep up with time, we tend to get tired, we ask for a break, we mourn for time lost and spend endless time in regret. Truth is, it is a way people cope from the harsh reality time gives. We constantly need a breather, a space to be by ourselves and to figure out what could have gone wrong, what to do next, and where to start. We give ourselves a chance to correct unavoidable mistakes. And learn that no one can bring back what we have lost, only the memories with us. In simple words, “no turning back! We are the captain of our ship, we load and unload something on it, we take action on its course, we decide which way to go, analyze the best place to stop over, and gather all courage to move on farther to see what lies ahead. Time allows us to discover new horizons, new challenges and new us.

Time erases painful past and heals all wounds, it allows us to grow more mature, stronger and wiser and prepared to continue the battle of life.

Photo credit: http://blocs.mesvilaweb.cat/raulromeva/cat/2162

Too far, yet too near?

I’ve heard this line many times in my entire life. In different occasion and different situation.

Yet, why do I keep telling this to myself? Am I that far? Too near that I am overlooked? Or too available to be needed?

I have been contemplating about how and where my life is heading.

I have been thinking about a partner in life, in love and in faith.

I have been in and out of a relationship to find it, and now too consumed of the question “Will I ever have it?”

I become too engrossed over love stories, how good and bad it could become. But the bottom line is, how people who fight for their love survived the harsh reality and the constant challenge around.

I too has thought, I could give, sacrifice and give up what others could to keep and continue the fire burning.

But will it ever come? Or am I just too impatient, why now?

I have been scared about getting into the responsibilities of a relationship. I have avoided and tried to be away from it.

Why the change of thought?

Am I ready for this?

An avoidable mistake

Too late though. But I realized that too late is sometimes a way of letting us know what we went into is a mistake or not.

I do regret, but the fact that I can no longer turn back time is something that I should face the consequence instead, the consequence of giving so much. It is hard because you were never heard yet judged. You have respected their silence and misinterpreted yours.

The fact that I was treated the way how others was treated was hurting, yet I was not in the position to complain but understand more.

There were things we take and not think before getting into it, yet accused of something else. It pains a lot. It hurts a lot.

I did not choose to like you and care for you, what I have done is something that I wanted to do, for you. The effort I gave doesn’t require to be given back and yet I was accused… It just pains a lot. After braving the scorching sun to get to your place, making excuses from the church just to be able to bring you lunch, even borrowing money from others so I could bring something for you, after making so much thought of how I can help you, of how can I make you comfortable after what you have gone through…… this is what I get?

I don’t want to count what I did, because I am not supposed to. I did everything because I love what I did, and never in my wildest dreams you could turn me like this. I went extra miles understanding you, calling you, texting you, sending viber messages and get what? Nothing. Despite extending my understanding beyond reasons still I ended up the bad person, because I did not use my common sense? At the end of the day I get nasty whispers and insults! I shouldn’t have done what I have done. But because I did it without thinking of getting hurt by the end of the day, I did what I know the best I could.

Now I understand what giving means. It means not expecting anything in return, not even kindness. When you give, you give away a piece of you. Never expect that piece to be returned – or you’ll get hurt. If returned it is only a bonus. God will reward you for all you’ve done, never forget that.

Forget counting the chicks before even getting the egg hatched, or else you will open a candy with a sledge hammer.

Do not fear, do not worry. Losing someone isn’t  your loss, it is a blessing that we didn’t recognize until we realized it.

Instead, we should be thankful and take care of those people who finds time for us, before it is too late.

 

Father’s Day

Father’s day had passed. But what really is a father’s day?

In my point of view it is the time one family recognizes one’s fathers achievement as a father to his children, we may include how he is as a husband and a son as he is the epitome of his fathers achievement.

How about those who hasn’t known their fathers all their lives? How would one knows to be a father if he hasn’t had a father of his own? Or, where would one look for a father image to look up to as they grow up if they don’t have anybody? Will they be able to celebrate fathers day? Some find it from their uncles, their neighbor, their step dad and etc.

My own experience comes from having a father figure at once. They were too many to consider and their views and outlook in life differs.

I got to learn a lot. I got to consider a lot. I got to sacrifice a lot.

But nevertheless, having a father of my own, having someone I can call my own comes remote which is next to impossible when I learned he passed away.

I was stubborn. When my mom decided to let me meet my dad, I got excited but I backed out. I got scared. What would I tell him when we meet? How would I tell him I’m his long lost daughter whom I never once felt I was looked for? What would I feel then? Should I feel angry? Should I complain where was he during my growing up years?

When I decided to find him, I was around two years late. He died of lung cancer. I cried at the moment, I was speechless and I regretted why I decided too late.

But I felt liberated. I felt the release of pain, regret, and anger. I feel free.

I decided to find him because I want to do the same to my daughter. Let her meet her father once we get a perfect chance.

Thus, a father’s day does not only mean a celebration intended for the fathers out there but for all who had been our father figures and being a father at the same time for our child as we continue to be a good mom.