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Lacy beady sequiny white! 🙂
Source: All White
QA life isn’t just about qa, calib, reports, memo’s, MBR, and so on….We also know how to live life to the fullest!!!!!!!!!
We can be serious…………
At work..
Serious with my foods……
We go out………….. Â for breakfast…..
Lunch….
Coffee…….
While waiting for the coffee…
Hot fudge….. hehehe this is for Mae….
Dinner…….
Team eating…
Party………….
Party…………
Party…………
QA can host………
With the Big Boss!!!!!
But he is actually shy………
Sing….
QA can glam………
Goof around…….
Sleep!!!!!!!!! We need to rest, too….
Contemplate what to do next!?
Go out…….
Play bahay-bahayan…
Have photo with an artista haha
Failed in Sup Calib!?
Shoot the sleepy head……
have fun with the locals…… eeep, going to meet the locals pa pala….
with the view…..
And say good bye..
Last day, last calib..
What if I’m gone?
Who would take care of them?
Who would look after them?
I don’t want people to depend on me too much.
That even trivial things I know they can take control of and manage.
I want them to learn to live by, without needing me too much.
I love it that I can help.
But I am afraid that those things will be left
Today, marks the first month of the day, which supposed to be one of those happy days, with the coming of a new bundle of joy. But everything went beyond our expectations.
I was excited about the coming baby. I even announced it to friends.
June 1, past 9 in the morning I saw Jaja and Ading preparing for Raz birthday. I went straight and cleaned myself for breakfast then hit the bed. They brought out the cake and as I dig into the ice cream, I asked rocky road? With eyed wide with excitement, “My favorite!” Jaja answered gigling, “me too!” and we chatted happily about the nuts and everything rocky road has in it.
It was a happy day. Before I went to sleep, Ading and Jaja was preparing to go for a check up. Later that afternoon, I was told that they went home for lunch and went back to the hospital, because Jaja was already in pain.
Around 3 in the afternoon, I had lunch and was preparing for a party when Mommy called. She Said “Naa ko sa hospital, di ta madayon sa party, operahan si Jaja, ang baby di pa ok”, I said “OK” but nothing makes sense, I shrugged it off, excited with the thoughts that I’d see the baby soon, at the back of my mind I was wondering what really went wrong.
While watching TV, eating lunch and chatting with Kleng kleng, Jaja’s sister, Mommy called again, she said to come. I was excited, finally, I will see the baby ahead of everyone.
When I arrived in the hospital, Mommy was at the lobby, she was pacing head down when I saw her. She went straight, briskly  towards the room, inside, she told me, “50/50 si Jaja, ang baby gitabang pud”. My tears fell down immediately, I thought the baby has little complications, I didn’t know anything about Jaja. I asked her between sobs what had happened and Mommy said “nag flat line si Jaja and was revived after 20 minutes.” that was too long, her brain need oxygen. Mommy said don’t let Ading see you crying. When I saw Ading, I had to choke my tears and sat at the end of the room, looking outside but I was listening to them.
That afternoon, around 6, we were told that Jaja was transfered to the ICU. Ading and I went to check if we could see her.
Seeing her on hospital bed was heart breaking. She looked lifeless, her eyes open but not seeing. Nothing made sense during that time. I felt like demanding her to get up and live, laugh and chat the way she was. I couldn’t contain myself, choking my tears, I sat there there holding her hands,  breathing and massaging to warm it. I was sitting there, watching the nurse busy pumping air manually to help her breathe. I blew what thin line holding me, when the nurse said I need to have well abled companion to do the pumping later that night. I was exasperated, I couldn’t help myself from firing the nurse questions, “nganong wala man moy machine?”, “Dili ba diay pwede makahulam sa lain hospital”, “Basin rent pwede?”, It is not that I don’t want to do help, it was a matter of life and death and the way I see it, they were taking it without urgency. All they could manage to answer me were full of ****, things like there is procedure or permission from whoever but they weren’t doing anything like it. It was frustrating! They were not prepared, in situations that they are supposed to be in control, to let the patient and the family feel that they are more than capable! And they were not prepared of me, me, who knows nothing but the importance of common sense!
I was sitting at the waiting area outside the ICU, when the wife of the other patient told me that she heard me asked those questions, I asked her back if I was wrong, if my demands was inappropriate, she told me, she would do the same given the same situation. I wanted to cry again, so I looked away.
I was there at the waiting area the nurse passed by, pushing what seemed like a cart with a machine on it, I was alert then, something was wrong, 15 or so minutes later, Ading burst out from the ICU, crying. I rushed to his side hugging him, asking what was going on, he managed to tell me, “nag flat line si Jaja”, as I stand there stunned, he went in to the chapel. At a later time, Ading told me that the 3 attempts using that machine to revive Jaja was useless,  every time the doctor says clear nothing happens. It was when the nurse went up on Jaja’s bed and manually did the CPR that Ading couldn’t bear to be in there any longer.
I was at the pharmacy when I saw the doctor, he went and stand beside me and told me that only the medicines and the ventilator that are keeping her alive, to prepare and pray. I couldn’t say a word, I could only nod and went back to the ICU.
Around 12 midnight, I took over the manual pumping while Ading tend to his personal needs, made a call and etcetera. At about 2 in the morning, preparations was made for a transfer to Don Carlos. At 3:15, Jaja and Ading and the rest of the team was on their way to Don Carlos, I stood there thinking, what made the hospital wait for many hours before recommending a transfer? Were they that slow to decide? Are they that incompetent? I was told later that Jaja’s family and friends from Bethel was pushing the transfer.
I was left behind. I was trying to sleep the next few hours but I couldn’t. Our room is just next to the NICU, I would sit on the floor for hours watching the shadows of the nurses, manually ventilating Baby Eiula round the clock or I would knock the window to let me see her, fighting for dear life.
Baby Eiula is pretty, she has plenty of curly hair, well defined nose, and pretty lips, had it not because of the tube in her mouth and all those wires attached to her body, she’d be cuddly and cute, but her condition, and those beeping around could keep you at the edge of your tears. You could ask yourself, why is this baby in this small container with wires attached to her body and why not in the nursery room instead?
Baby Eiula was lifeless when she was delivered around noon of June 1. As we were told by the pediatrician, no seconds was wasted to revived her. She was revived and responding but was not given a 100 percent normal recovery. The way I understood it, she will survive but will not grow normal like any other kids, I understood it otherwise.
June 2, the whole morning, Baby Eiula was fighting to survive. Her vitals were fluctuating, she was having seizures, and almost every two hours NICU team would revive her. Everytime I see the commotion of the shadows in the NICU, I would rest my head on the glass, bit my lip and cry in silence, it was very frustrating that you cannot do anything but watch her in pain. Past 5 in the evening, I was roused from the bed when the nurse asked me to come to the OR, I was shocked and asked him back, “OR?” “Why OR?” “Unsay nahitabo?” the nurse could not answer me, instead ushered me to the OR and to the NICU.
It was chaos. Commotion. I know what was happening, but I refused to believe what I was seeing. They were trying to revive Baby Eiula. The resident pediatrician was holding my hands, trying to explain what was happening. That moment when you actually hear what was said yet nothing registers in your head. I didn’t know what to do. I would sit behind the door for what I think like forever, watch the nurses hurrying to and fro from the reflection on the OR glass doors. I would stand, or lean behind the doors, someone would come near me and explain again and again. Still, I would refuse to let them know I understand. Everyone was on their feet, checking, verifying, and trying to explain again what was already explained. Someone was dressing me up with a sterile gown, someone provided me slippers and ushered me near Baby Eiula, while another was talking to me. I saw her. The signs on all the graphics I no longer understand. I saw her heaved her breath in long intervals, and every time, her shoulder and chest bones would show. She was in great pain. She was suffering. I could remember telling baby Eiula, “Kapoy na ka beh?” “Di ka gusto sa amoa?” “Gusto na ka morest?” repeatedly. I couldn’t bare seeing her in that condition so I went to the end of the room, relaxed myself and called Ading, my cousin and baby Eiula’s dad. I told him that baby Eiula is very weak and that her vitals were nose diving, the only thing that keeps her is the ventilator. Her body no longer accepts the medicines, blood were coming out from the tube attached to her mouth. After calling Ading, I was quite at the corner, the nurse called out and told me they are taking the ventilator. All eyes was on me. I might have heard them wrong, maybe I was asked, and I needed to say yes to take her ventilator, I could no longer recall. But I told them if we can wait till her dad arrives? I don’t want them to do it but I saw them removing all those wires and the ventilator from her mouth. I then called my ate, and cried it out to her.
I sat on the floor watching the nurses, busy, cleaning and changing Baby Eiula. I sat there like forever. They were giving me chair but I would not budge. The whole time I was on that position, I kept thinking, was it for the best? Was it for Baby Eiula? Would it be unfair and more painful if I will never allow them to take her ventilator? Was I the one who decided to end her life? Or was it Baby Eiula could not take it any longer? Was I responsible for her death? Will I be able to explain to everyone that it was the best for Baby Eiula? And the thought just wont go away.
I was in that position when Ading, ate and my aunt arrived. I didn’t realized I was there on the same position for more than an hour. The nurses went on to explain what happened, I heard them say that her vitals went nosediving after Raz and Zoe visited, and even after Mommy went to see her. Everyone was trying to explain at the same time, or maybe it was just my imagination. But I heard them, and it hurts my ears.
Past 10 in the evening, Ading called. He gave me instructions for Mommy. Our conversation went like that, it was normal, emotions suppressed, the way Ading would talk, calm and collected. But I know, he was also trying his best to remain calm in the midst of this painful times. But when he hang up, I heaved a deep sigh. I don’t understand if it was relief that Jaja no longer suffers in pain or to calm myself before calling my aunt and facing my ate when I get back in our room. Whatever it was, I had to move and do what was tasked for.
The night went by. We were on the bed, me, ate and Baby Eiula in the middle. Ate and I were talking, like nothing happened with swollen eyes and choking our tears. I would hug Baby Eiula and talk to her, ate does the same too. We sleep like a cat, waking up from time to time till morning and everytime I wake up, I would look and stare Baby Eiula until I feel my eyes heavy and give in to sleep.
Nurses went pouring in the morning. They were relating the previous night events. Relating how I cried and cried while holding Baby Eiula’s tiny hand the whole time the team was trying to revive her. They related my resistance when asked to let go of Baby Eiula. I went out because my tears are trying to escape regardless of my strict disapproval.
I was holding Baby Eiula on my lap, facing me the whole we travelled to the funeral home. I was studying her lips, her eyebrows, everything, trying to memorize her tiny, pretty face.
The wake went on until the 9th of June. On the 10th, they were finally laid to rest.
Janiene Rayos Malalang died on June 2, 2016. Her Death Certificate says, multiple organ failure, resulting from blood loss, resulting from rupture of the uterus.
Eiula Iraya Joe Malalang was born dead of asphyxia on June 1, 2016, she was revived and died at 5:50 pm the next day.
To all who cried with us, mourned with us and prayed with us, may God find you and provides the desires of your heart. God bless you for being a cheerful giver in those trying times.
It was indeed foggy for this pix to turn out like this. But it was still a happy, tiring, giving up (almost), satisfying trail to Mt. Apo and back.
The sudden ascent from the drop off point and after enjoying the water from a river trek was a turning point to continue or not, it was a breath ceasing moment where my tears, sweat, breath and will was all mixed up together.
It was all ascent, and a few meters descent. Finding your trail from the bushes, tall grass, mud, boulders and moss or even even from waters where all traces of trails vanishes.
The two days ascent was all breath taking, including the picturesque view and deceiving turns and mountain tops that I thought is the peak. For me, it was to console myself of what I have gotten into. Apart from the tiring trail up, the other thing you can feel is how sticky I am from sweat, the fact that I only brought one trails outfit and several sleeping garments, evident through the pictures I have wearing the same clothes from day one to four! Hahahahaha! But it was still beautiful, the only thing I regretted is being a bitch sometimes, of my own misgivings.
It was on day three, our descent from the peak to Lake Venado that I started singing a song “di na jud ko muusab!” until day four and even until today. I can never discredit nor hate Mt. Apo for what I went through, but instead, I love it and will never forget getting there on a slow pace (according to our guide) up and back.
It was the first time I ever trekked, and I conquered the highest mountain of the Philippines, the Mt. APO!
Alpha Rho and the crater behind
Dear Norman….
I have been cracking my head as to why you appeared again, after 6 or 7 years. My daughter is now 10. Wow, time has been so quick.
What you have said last Feb gave me hope…. and pain. I heard what I wanted to hear. Telling me about your wife, mentioning about how and what to tell your children has sent me to question myself of what you are trying to tell me, “I can decide for myself” you said and has kept me thinking if you want me back in your life.
Do you still remember, 2008 or 2009, that was after Bagyong Ondoy. You told me to give you time to straighten things out, and I said I wanted to make everything legal. I said it on purpose, because I know you cannot do it.  You said “maraming masasaktan”, pero yung gusto mo na maging tayo ulet at hindi ipaalam was a selfish idea. Sarili mo lang inisip mo, di mo naisip na meron din akong anak, at mas lalong marami ang masasaktan. Anyway, if ever I did agree to it, will things be different now? I don’t think so, kase mas malakas ang guilt ko kesa sa selfishness ko. Selfish din naman ako, oo pero sa paraang wala akong aapakan..
The first thing I felt when I learned I was pregnant, was fear. Fear na hindi mo matangap, dahil ang dami mong hindi tangap sa akin. You may not said anything, but your actions speaks for it, the way you sigh….  That was the reason na ayokong malaman mo, because I was afraid being rejected. I was relieved when I saw you that day, iba pa rin pala ang may kakampi…. The same with what I feel last Feb, after ng takot ko, is yong saya na may kakampi na ako.
When you asked me to give you time, even if I did, it will never work because, you have already made your vows, to love, to cherish, in sickness, in health, poorer or richer till death. You maybe young then, but you are no longer young now. You must know by now your priorities in life. I came along your life and I was used to test you, your love to your wife and your family, and you let it shaken.
What I did lately was with purpose. Yes I needed the money that time, for Eeya. And while I was waiting for you to keep your word, I was testing you, of how true you are with your words. Then and now was no different, that’s how you made me believe it. I don’t matter to you, my daughter does not matter to you, that hurts because but your action speaks the truth.
In all truth, na miss kita. Na miss kong awayin mo ako, namiss kong mang-away, namiss ko yung presence mo. Pero it was not enough for anything further. That was the same reason I asked you kung sino binabalikan mo. I was hoping I was included, kahit nag-eexpect na ako na si Eeya lang. So after mo na idenitfy, I was ok with it. I conditioned myself that there is nothing more between and about us.
It’s April…. just before this month ends, will be your anniversary, I am sure you know what I mean.
Time is of essence now. She is healing her pain and herself so she can love again. I believe she still love you, the very reason she is hurting.
You have daughters and a wife, what more are you looking for? Dahil napilitan ka lang magpakasal noon at nagrerebelde ka pa rin hangang ngayon? Well, you did it, weather you love your wife or not during that time that was the consequence of your own doing. Kung sinadya ng wife mo ang nangyari, sa tagal ng panahon di mo pa napatawad ang sarili mo sa pagkahulog sa bitag nya? You let yourself trapped on her lair, still, you are responsible for whatever the consequence, because you did it.
The same goes until today, the more people get hurt especially because everyone has grown up. Â I believe that your wife has done her best to keep your relationship afloat and working. But it can never be done alone. It must be a partnership and a battle backed with strong faith that both of you can make the relationship work. If you do not believe your relationship will work, and if you do not entrust your relationship to God, it will eventually crumble on the ground.
I also believe that the husband is the reflection of the wife, having said that she blocked you from social media, did you ever question yourself “where did I go wrong? Have I loved her enough, respected her enough?” Because if you did, I don’t think she will do what she has to do to protect herself from getting more pain.
No amount of apology could save your wife from the pain, then, now I don’t know until when. I too have a share of it. But you know what? You are a coward, letting your wife deal with me? having her said what she has said and later on you contacted me when the storm has passed. Has anyone told you you are a lousy coward? Well you are. But you have all the chance to prove yourself. Start now.
Meditate and wholeheartedly ask yourself, “kaya ko bang totally mawala ang asawa ko sa buhay ko? And Asawa ko na walang inisip kundi kapakanan ng pamilya ko?” You decide. At kung kaya mong mabuhay without her, sana wala kang pagsisihan sa huli, at sana isipin mo ng maraming beses bago mo tuluyang gawin ang gusto mo.
What you do with your life? Is none of my business, but make sure you don’t come back messing up mine. Hindi mo ba naiintindihan na nakakasakit ka? Don’t you ever care how people around you feel? Hindi naman ako bato, para di makaramdam ng kahit na ano.
I LOVED YOU. Is this what you wanted to hear? Yes, I have Loved you. Noong panahong ginawa mo akong tanga, not knowing you were married. I did Loved you noong nagpapakatanga na ako, and I still care but we all know it will never be the same.
I loved you and I hope that knowing this will help you realize what you really wanted in your life. Maraming nagmamahal sa yo, at pwede kang mahalin ulet, if you let the people around you do. Don’t make it hard for people to love you. Make sacrifices too. I know you did your share, but maybe it was not enough.
You already have the person for you, what you needed to do is straighten everything. People who separated for the longest time can still get back together. Pray fervently and ask for wisdom. Wait for her to heal whatever the pain and struggles she is facing right now. When God works, no one will be able to resist it, that is, if you want to keep your family and if you want God to work in your relationship, kung gusto mong mabuo kayo, surrender everything. Â Kung gusto mo, gagawan mo ng paraan.
Don’t give more pain and heartaches to your daughters. A father is very important in their lives. You are their rock, you are someone they will depend on. They know you are not perfect but you will always be their father.
I said all these because I LOVED YOU, and I wanted you to be happy, to find your happiness. My harsh words towards you was because I was disappointed.
I wanted to end our story, and this is the best I know. You. Me. There was once us, but it was not meant to stay that way. Our daughter, your daughters, will grow fine. People say that the father’s deed will come back to his daughters, I don’t believe in that because only God knows what their path and where it could lead to.
I will not say goodbye, cause our path may cross again. But I hope when that day comes, I will see a happy, contented and changed NORMAN.
Love Ja…..
Begging is like asking for alms, you beg in dire situation. It was a pride swallowing to do, but I think, after having done such is a kind of learning that I can swallow my pride and beg for the person I love.
I have known he has another girl, according to him when I asked him if he has, but it was only recently that I found the courage to face my guilt over that girl and stop meddling in their relationship. I maybe ahead but because I let go I don’t have the right to come back anytime and claim him.
It hurts to know when the guy you love, love someone more than you. I know that he will never choose me, I still asked if we could be together, and I will wait for him until he is free again, but even if I know the answer, it still hurts when you hear it, that I am not the woman he will choose at the end of the day.
Well, he did not dumped me altogether, he also choose me, to be a spare tire. That hurts even more. At first, I considered it, but as days goes by, I realized why would I choose to be treated like a trash by the very person I love? He may say he loves me, but now I know it is only a line, a phrase that holds no meaning at all.
If I am worthy of someones love and be loved, this person will never allow me to beg. He will willingly and selflessly give his love without reservation, without condition.
When I thought about how I cried myself to bed, Â and think about those tears that won’t stop flowing because of the pain I’ve felt that day, I could regret for the waste I made. It was a waste of tears. A waste of emotion. And most especially, A waste of love.
The hardest thing for me is not doing the thing I know I can because I do not have the right to do so, in the first place. I wanted to let him know everyday how and what I feel for him. I wanted to say sorry and thank you for all those he has done for me. I wanted to run to him, but I do not have the right to do so, and it hurts. I wanted to be in his arms to shield me from all the harsh thing in this world. I wanted to be near him, to be there wherever he may be. Â It’s 2016, and still I haven’t change one bit. I wanted to let him know everything that has happened to me, but I know it would burden him, because I no longer matter to him. I wanted to… God knows how much I wanted to… and God knows how I tried to keep myself from from doing so, because I do not want to burden him, and I cannot bear hearing empty words.
I prayed for his freedom, and still praying. I know he doesn’t care about me, he only reciprocates the literal way he can, giving the words I wanted to hear, but I know it was empty and it makes me even more pathetic.
I am thinking of how I can help him get his freedom while I am conditioning myself that part of his freedom doesn’t include me. Maybe, that is the one great gift I can give him, his freedom and without me. It hurts when I think about it today. But it would hurt more if I will keep expecting a person who will never be mine. I wasted my chance, and now that I do not have it, I must accept it. Though I still long for him…. I do not know until when will I be like this. Until when my sanity would keep me. Until when my heart no longer hurts.
I can only pray to God that He finds the right happiness for me and for him. Â I know I am stubborn, and I don’t want to let go, but there is no painful way of letting the person know you still hold on when in fact he doesn’t, right even from the start. I have read somewhere that for having someone in your life, both must hold hands to keep the bond strong, but if I am the only one holding on, I have to let go no matter how it hurts, because there is no point in holding on to someone who doesn’t and cannot hold you the way you do, the way I do, the way he used to. I wasted that chance, and now it is my chance of letting him find his own happiness. And I can only pray for that.
This man is the one man I have prayed and is still praying. God knows the desire of my heart, and one day I know God will give me the right person, the right answer and the right time for all my prayers. It may be him or not, I cannot tell.
I will be thinking of you at all times.
I will be praying for you.
God knows, I will. and God knows I am on the path to healing. For God is one great healer, and I know with my might and my desire to get healed, I will be one day.
I love you so.
bits and pieces.. 
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