I have been feeling so down and ugly no matter how I try to dab makeups on my face to look beautiful, paste a smile on my face and force to be alive and happy when my heart is in sorrow. I feel like crying. I want to cry, but I have to be brave.
This morning, I decided to do everything that I can for the person I love, thinking and hoping I will have no regrets whatever happens at the end.
A second chance? I cried for another chance. No matter what it takes. No matter what I have to sacrifice, no matter how guilty I am. I broke my own promise, to be with the person I keep running back.
I told him how many times I tried to forget him, how many reasons I made up to forget him and how many times I have to think of ugly things to forget him! But I can’t! Why!? Why can’t I forget him? Why do I keep running back to him? I don’t understand myself either.
I told him I once asked God to give him back to me. Once I was travelling, I remembered him and wondered how he is. I thought and ask God, “Lord, please give him back to me, please?” Then I realized about his status, no, I didn’t mean to kill his then ex-wife when I thought, unless she is dead, then I can have him. Little did I know that he was already separated during that time.
I brushed that thought off and forgotten. When I got home, I got a news related to him, about his mom. I went back to the city and looked for him, and I found him. We were at the opposite end, five to six hours travel separates us, but it did not stop us from communicating until we decided to meet. I was reluctant. But I thought, I will do this for closure.
The closure that I expected never happened. It opened another opportunity to be with him once again.
When he sent me off, I was in shamble. I don’t want to leave his side. I do not want to leave him again.
The day of my flight to Cebu for a next day flight to Doha, I was inconsolable. I was crying! I do not want to leave!
We were exchanging messages all though the day, and the more I wanted to wail and lie on the ground to ebb the pain I felt during that time. Why does it have to be this way? I can only question, but no one will be able to give me an answer which will help me ease the pain.
I left Davao with a heavy heart. We both decided to try to work things between the two of us. It made me feel secure, secure that I can love him, and he to me.
I was offloaded on the day of my flight to Doha due to visa concern. I needed to send my passport and copy of my visa to the embassy of Qatar in Manila and I have to wait until they send it back to me before I can fly to Doha. It was a mix feelings.
I told him what happened. I asked him if he can come to Cebu and meet me while I wait for my passport, but instead we decided I come back to Davao. It was the shortest three days and two nights. The day he has to send me to the airport, I was again reluctant to leave. I did not ask any what if’s why I have to leave instead of staying.
I was happy despite the distance we have to go through. He called me most of the day to comfort me, to encourage me and to cheer me up while I was looking for work in Doha. I was feeling so low most of the time, I was getting frustrated not getting hired every time I applied and every time an interview ended. And yet he is there, constantly on my side. I missed him that it hurts so much. But I have to go on.
Then I finally found a job. We were going through a lot. I was being bullied by my boss who later courted me. I would cry and think of resigning, but I don’t want to lose my job. I persisted and he is there with me. Until I could no longer contact him. I cried so hard after several attempts, it happened many times. I cannot continue guessing what is going on when I know what is going on. I was afraid to know why, so I ended our relationship before he could tell me the truth and hurt me. I used his worries with his family as my excuse. He never explained, did not say anything. He just accepted my decision. He just agreed with me and it hurts more, because he did not even attempted to fight for US. It happened so fast, but it left me wounded even until I went home. I decided to see him, but he declared he already have a girlfriend, it hurts more. I was trying to forget him, all those times. I distanced from him. I could always come and see him, but it would be unfair. I could hurt other people by meddling and by getting in between.
Today, a few days back, I decided to tell him the truth. The truth that I was never really over him. That no matter how it hurts to forget him, I just couldn’t. I am one tough person, but with him, I just couldn’t do anything. I am no tougher than my pretense that I can live life without him. I wanted to shout for him. Be with him. Do something for him, but I cannot. I don’t want to part from him.
What hurts is I am just an option. A spare tire. Someone who doesn’t mean that much anymore. I am jealous. I wanted to be as considerate and fair to his woman. But deep inside I wanted to die. Why can’t it just be me? Why do I have to beg for a few hours of his time? Why does it have to be this way? And why do I choose to be this way?
Now, I am asking him the question that I wanted to ask since the last time we saw each other.
If I am and will be with him until what God decides for us.
I am afraid of his reply, but I guess, no matter how painful it would be, I have to accept it. Because there could never be a relationship with a one sided commitment, my commitment.
I told him, I would wait for him. God has given him back to me, not once but many times. And I want to wait for the time, the right time. God’s time.
I am asking him if I could ask him the question. I told him to be honest. And I am waiting for his reply and confirmation that he would give me an honest answer.
Nothing.
Nothing yet.
I asked him if I can be the only one, even though it would take forever to wait until he will be officially free. And while I wait I want to take care of him, to be with him, to be his partner in good and bad times.
But he cannot decide.
I don’t want to give up this fight. Not this easy.
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