The hardest thing for me is not doing the thing I know I can because I do not have the right to do so, in the first place. I wanted to let him know everyday how and what I feel for him. I wanted to say sorry and thank you for all those he has done for me. I wanted to run to him, but I do not have the right to do so, and it hurts. I wanted to be in his arms to shield me from all the harsh thing in this world. I wanted to be near him, to be there wherever he may be. It’s 2016, and still I haven’t change one bit. I wanted to let him know everything that has happened to me, but I know it would burden him, because I no longer matter to him. I wanted to… God knows how much I wanted to… and God knows how I tried to keep myself from from doing so, because I do not want to burden him, and I cannot bear hearing empty words.
I prayed for his freedom, and still praying. I know he doesn’t care about me, he only reciprocates the literal way he can, giving the words I wanted to hear, but I know it was empty and it makes me even more pathetic.
I am thinking of how I can help him get his freedom while I am conditioning myself that part of his freedom doesn’t include me. Maybe, that is the one great gift I can give him, his freedom and without me. It hurts when I think about it today. But it would hurt more if I will keep expecting a person who will never be mine. I wasted my chance, and now that I do not have it, I must accept it. Though I still long for him…. I do not know until when will I be like this. Until when my sanity would keep me. Until when my heart no longer hurts.
I can only pray to God that He finds the right happiness for me and for him. I know I am stubborn, and I don’t want to let go, but there is no painful way of letting the person know you still hold on when in fact he doesn’t, right even from the start. I have read somewhere that for having someone in your life, both must hold hands to keep the bond strong, but if I am the only one holding on, I have to let go no matter how it hurts, because there is no point in holding on to someone who doesn’t and cannot hold you the way you do, the way I do, the way he used to. I wasted that chance, and now it is my chance of letting him find his own happiness. And I can only pray for that.
This man is the one man I have prayed and is still praying. God knows the desire of my heart, and one day I know God will give me the right person, the right answer and the right time for all my prayers. It may be him or not, I cannot tell.
I will be thinking of you at all times.
I will be praying for you.
God knows, I will. and God knows I am on the path to healing. For God is one great healer, and I know with my might and my desire to get healed, I will be one day.
I love you so.